


healing takes time

by caffeineaddicted_malec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 01:18:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18377996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caffeineaddicted_malec/pseuds/caffeineaddicted_malec
Summary: Magnus returns to Alec's room the night he loses his magic for the second time. He takes that time to contemplate if he can go through this alone. But he doesn't have to, because Alec is there. He will always be there.[A little snippet between 3x16 and 3x17 which picks up while Alec is visiting Maryse]





	healing takes time

**Author's Note:**

> A little something I wrote a few days ago. I was almost not going to post it but decided that I should before 3x17 airs and it becomes sort of irrelevant?
> 
> So, I hope you like it.
> 
> Let me know in the comments, without being mean.

Magnus was waiting for Alec in his room at the New York Institute. They were supposed to go house-hunting but now, that plan didn’t seem as important as spending time together because of the “health-scare” that had shattered Alec to his core. In the last 5 hours, he had almost lost Magnus and realized that if he ever did, he wouldn’t survive it. Alec would die twice. Magnus had seen Alec panic and fear for the people he loved but he had never seen his boyfriend so frightened before. “I won’t lose you… I can’t” still echoed in his head as if Alec had just declared it to him. There was no doubt that Magnus valued his magic over everything else but that didn’t include Alec and their love. He could never live knowing that he had made Alec go to the darkest parts of his mind. That was Magnus Bane – always thinking about others.

  
“You’re wearing my jumper?”, Magnus heard Alec's voice at the door. He removed all the worries on his face and flattened his expression.

  
“I am a little cold”, he admitted.

  
And the very next moment, Alec was next to him on the bed, holding the man with his shoulders. “Are you alright? Do you need me to summon Catarina?”, he asked.

  
“Alexander, I am fine!”, Magnus cupped his boyfriend's cheek and squished it. “Trust me. I feel much better.”

  
“You sure?”, Alec furrowed his brows.

  
“I am.”, Magnus rubbed his thumb over Alec's cheekbone. “Where did you go?”

  
Alec’s lips parted as he tried to answer. He couldn’t tell Magnus that he had gone to get the Lightwood family ring from his mother. He couldn’t tell Magnus that he was going to propose. “I…” he whispered. “…went to see my mother…”

  
“At this hour? Is she alright?”

  
“Yeah… yeah, she’s fine. I heard she bought a Bookstore in Brooklyn…and I felt like checking up on her”, Alec shrugged. It was partially true.

  
“You’re a good son, Alexander”, Magnus smiled, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. Both of their tensed bodies relaxed in each other's touch. He trailed his hand down to his boyfriend's hand to take it in his. A short glance made Magnus notice something on the back of Alec's palms. They were slightly red and swollen with pink marks. Realization dawned upon the man a second later and he gasped. “Alec!”, he looked up in his Shadowhunter's eyes. Alec shied his eyes to avoid looking at the warlock and tried to pull his hands away, but Magnus held on.

  
“It’s nothing…” Alec mumbled.

  
“It’s not nothing”, Magnus retorted. Alec shifted nervously, shutting his eyes and flinching his cheeks. This moment wasn’t supposed to be about him. He couldn’t make it about himself again. Magnus had just lost his magic again and he couldn’t let his boyfriend worry about his palms. Not tonight.  
“They’ll be fine by tomorrow. I’ll use an iratze…”, Alec tried to pull his hands away once more.

  
“Alexander, you promised to talk to me if things ever got this bad…”, Magnus reminded. “We are talking about this.”, he added, cupping Alec’s face between his hands. Alec let out a broken breath and dropped his face in his boyfriend’s hand. “Did… you?”, he wanted to ask if Alec had done this while Magnus was out. But, he knew the answer. He knew Alec. “Alexander…”, the man called out.

  
“Hmm…”, Alec mumbled.

  
“This wasn’t on you”, he leaned forward and kissed his boyfriend’s nose. Alec nodded, sniffing. “Come here…”, he pulled Alec in an embrace. The Shadowhunter relaxed, burying his face in Magnus' neck. He couldn’t imagine how life would have been like if he had lost this. If something would have happened to Magnus tonight.

  
“I am so sorry!”, Alec mumbled. “I should have realised sooner… I should have been there for you!”, he breathed out. Magnus laced his fingers in the soft hair at the back of Alec’s head.

  
“I don’t blame you, darling!”, Magnus whispered.

  
“You should have. I was being selfish and you should have blamed me…”, Alec demanded. “I am also sorry I had Lorenzo take his magic away…”

  
“Alexander…”, Magnus clenched his jaw. That was still a touchy subject that Magnus wasn’t ready to face. Not yet. Not ever. “…I am not angry with you…”, he shook his head. Of course he was upset but he didn’t blame Alec. The boy was just trying to protect Magnus’ life.

  
“I can’t lose you…”, Alec sniffed.

  
“You won’t…”, Magnus replied instantly.

  
“I spent most of today by your bedside after not being able to feel your heartbeat when you collapsed in my office…and I can’t… you mean everything to me, Magnus. I can’t imagine living in a world without you in it”, Alec’s words were born out of blatant honesty. One of his many qualities that Magnus had fallen head over heels for.

  
“I am not going anywhere. There’s no place I belong to anymore, darling. So you’re kinda stuck with me…”, he tried to joke.

  
“Don’t ever say that again”, Alec whispered. “You belong with me.”, he pulled away from the hug and kissed Magnus’ bare eyelids. “you… Magnus Bane… are my home. Always…and forever. Wherever I am, I will always come home to you…”, he added, brushing his breath against his boyfriend’s face. Magnus felt his heart melting at Alec's sheer honesty.“ I love you, so much”, Alec shook his head.

  
“I love you too”, Magnus smiled, tears stinging the back of his eyes. He may have lost his magic, he may have lost his purpose and direction…but he had someone he could trust to have his back when he stumbled. Someone who would pull him out of the darkest holes in his mind. Someone he could bare his heart too…even his wounded one. Someone who had bared his heart to him too. “Now go and change… I feel very tired”, he tapped his boyfriend’s cheeks. Alec licked his lips and nodded.

  
***

  
Magnus was settled under the covers, with his knees perched up inside the duvet. He was playing with it’s hem, watching Alec finish changing his clothes and brushing his teeth. His nails were bare again, and he could feel the strands of his hair on his forehead. Back to the mundane life. His mind reeled. He wanted to not think about it but he couldn’t help. Alec walked in, wearing a half sleeves maroon tshirt and black sweatpants. Absent-mindedly, Magnus lifted the covers and made space as Alec crawled next to him. There was a relaxed aura about Alec which only indicated how much he had stressed while Magnus had been unconscious. Heaving out a long breath, he placed his hand over Magnus' waist. Nestling his head in the crook of the warlock's neck, Alec wrapped one of his legs in Magnus’ and took a deep whiff of his neck. “Hi…”, he whispered. Magnus scoffed softly, pressed his lips on Alec's hair.

  
“Hey…”

  
“I love you”, Alec repeated.

  
“I love you too”, Magnus smiled, using his arm to pull Alec closer to his chest.

  
“I won’t let you go through this alone. Not this time”, Alec mumbled, plucking at Magnus' jumper. “This is our struggle to bear. Our fight.”, he added, determinately. Magnus hummed a soft response, sniffing the shampoo from Alec's hair.

  
“I mean it”, Alec repeated.

  
“I know, my love. I know”, Magnus sighed. He was shattered inside. There was a strong pit in his stomach from feeling the emptiness inside him. Feeling unwanted and useless. The Shadowhunters won’t come to him for help, he wouldn’t be able to heal the people he cares about including Alec's family at the Institute. He won’t be able to show Alec the whole world like he promised. He’d just be Alec's very mundane boyfriend who is nothing more than a liability.

  
“Magnus!”, Alec pulled him out of his thoughts. “You’ll never be unwanted…” Magnus gasped. The Shadowhunter sat up straight on the bed and ushered Magnus in his embrace. The warlock pressed his cheek in Alec's collarbone. “You remember how I had behaved the first time we met…”, Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus' waist, pulling him against his chest. “I clearly remember wanting to run away as far as I could because you had seen through me…”, he recalled their brief interacting at Magnus’ loft when he summoned Valak. “These past months with you have shaped me in ways my entire childhood and Shadowhunter training never did. I was taught how to fight and kill. How to be merciful and yet brutal at the same time. But none of the training including teaching me how to be proud of who I was. How to fight for what my heart most desired. You did that. You taught me how to fight for my heart. How it was ok to want something different. How it didn’t make me a bad person just because I chose to love differently.”, Alec bent down to kiss Magnus' hair. “…and then a stunning man stumbled into my life. I hadn’t… haven’t seen anyone more stunning and handsome than you. You broke down my walls, Magnus. You taught me how to love myself. And because I could love myself, I knew I was going to love you too. You are a part of who I am. Alec Lightwood is who he is today, because of a certain Magnus Bane.”

  
He felt his t-shirt warming up with moisture but he didn’t point it out. “…and I am not the only one. There are so many people around me whose life you have changed for the better. Raphael… Simon, little Madzie… me… and you didn’t do it with magic. You did it with the love that is in your heart. The purity, the spark that makes you Magnus. There’s no world where you would be unwanted. Where you would be unloved.”

  
He could hear soft sniffles against his chest. “We love you, Magnus Bane. I love you.”

  
“’lexander…”, Magnus whispered. He squeezed his hand between the mattress and Alec's body around his waist and curled their legs together. “I love you too…darling”, he was exhausted. He felt like he would drift into sleep anytime.

It was true that he felt deserted without his magic. But there was a man in his life that had sworn to never leave him alone.

  
And that had to suffice.

  
That love had to be enough.


End file.
